Big Butt, Bigger Heart

When The Jeans Don't Fit, Thinness? Groundbreaking., And General Ranting

I broke down to my husband the other day. It was the first morning in several days that one of us wasn’t off to work. Perhaps the culmination of hours spent at work setting in, finally having my partner to talk to, and the comforting breeze as we sat together watching the lake with the sound of our kids laughing in the living room made me feel especially open.

I had tried on a pair of jeans and couldn't button them up. They were a pair I loved that usually fit me like a glove but were still pretty relaxed. I know it’s June, but I love denim. I love jeans and wear them all year round. Anyway, I tried again a few weeks later, then a different, but similar pair. (I have at least 3 pairs of straight-leg jeans in a light blue wash). Still no go. Too tight.

I had tried again that morning. Why!? This pair did end up SORT OF closing, and I felt a bit hopeful, but by the top button, I could feel how tight and uncomfortable it would be to commit to wearing them, and I just have no patience for feeling like a squeezed tube of toothpaste anymore.

I proceeded to peel them off and take a look at my body in the full-length mirror. I don’t own a scale but I can feel that I’ve put on some weight. “Ok, like..whatever..”

I feel bloated and my face is a bit puffy. Or at least I convince myself that it is, I do have a round face 24/7. Perhaps I’m entering my luteal phase. I sigh. Or I just gained like 8 pounds, who knows and who cares? Why do I care!!? At the same time, I look at my soft lower belly, my legs, my neck, and into my own eyes and remind myself how amazing and beautiful my body is. How thankful I am for it.

Are You Team Big Shirt, Little Pant, or Big Pant, Big Shirt? Is that even the saying? Idk.

I’m fully aware of the subconscious thoughts I’m having. Thoughts of being smaller, thinner. That thinner is better, that losing weight is the key. I could go down that wormhole. Cut stuff out, count, time out my meals. I’m also fully aware that it’s all complete BS.

The want to be thin as well as the awareness that I don’t need to be thin in order to be happy is a sick merry-go-round. Embedded into my psyche from years of Diet Coke and cigarette commercials, America’s Next Top Model episodes, and magazines berating the latest celebrities for eating fast food.

I slap on a pair of black leggings, and a tee, peel 2 bananas for the kids and bring our coffees out to the balcony.

“What’s wrong babe? I can see something is bothering you..”

I instantly feel stupid. Because this is a stupid thing to be upset about. Stupid stupid stupid.

“It’s stupid. I’ll get over it.”

I don’t get over it. I sip my coffee and stare off into the sky as tears make their way down my cheeks. I start telling him about the jeans and how tight they are and how silly I know it all is and make comments about not wanting to buy new jeans because I just want to wear the ones I have and I want to move more but I feel like there’s no time, I’m always with the kids and haven’t ridden my bike or walk as much as I used to and and and. I hear myself and start to laugh because it’s all so ridiculous in the grand scheme of things.

My mind is brought back to this TikTok from HelloTefi that I had just watched a few days before. No wonder I was in my head. In it, she discussed noticing similar trends from the 90’s coming back, such as the Y2K’s obsession with thinness, and touched on her past and current struggles with body image.

It’s very vulnerable, and in it she says; “Everything I do revolves around what I feel I look like that day, not even what I really look like, probably. I’ve missed out on events and making memories with loved ones and trips and all these things, because of that obsession that I developed as a kid..”

@hellotefidont FALL FOR IT. I promise you its more expensive than u know. #y2k #90s

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The mind games and self-criticism hit a chord with me as I did just that as I picked myself apart in the mirror. The fact that I even became emotional over it was proof of how I was instantly taken back to that frame of mind when I was younger.

Wanting to be skinny, counting calories, fasting before seeing certain family members who would inevitably still comment on how much weight I’d gained. I’m glad to be far from participating in those ideals now, but it’s still there, always there.

There is definitely more diversity when it comes to body types/size/inclusivity etc, present in my personal day-to-day and in the media, sure. I’m happy to be in my 30’s in this space compared to 15 years ago when magazines compared Jessica Simpson to a COW after this performance, and it's pages urged 14 year olds to incorporate 3 ‘hot new exercises’, into their daily routines to keep our butts cute and perky * EYE ROLL *, but has thinness gone completely out of style? I don’t know about that.

In 2024, thinness and body positivity seem to warp together. In addition to this, the obsession to look young, be young, it’s insane. My God, do you know how many 20 year olds I’ve seen come in for Botox while I’ve worked in the aesthetic industry?

Don’t get me wrong now, to each their own, always! Shit, since doing baby Botox last year for the first time, I’m on the kool-aid too! But I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about how so many young women have found themselves feeling the need to look even younger than they already are. Or perhaps not seeing themselves the way I do, but what I see doesn’t matter, I suppose. It’s all about your own personal perspective. It just seems like it probably feels really heavy.

Of course, I think of my own daughter and what lies ahead for her…ugh, just the thought gives me a headache.

Again, do what makes you feel good. When you look good, you feel good, right?

But who determines what looks good? Is it really you?, or the ideas that have been fed to you?……Meh. Let me know what you think.

Anyway.

Thankfully, after that vent sesh, I felt lighter all over. I went for a hot girl walk all by my lonesome for about an hour and I’ll be damned..I felt better.

I guess there is something to that.

A reminder to eat the fries, with the cheesy sauce.

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3 Things That Have Been Making Me Smile (Not Cry..)

1. It’s Hudson’s last week of JK. Time has just flown by. The weather has been getting warm and staying warm here in the city, so we’ve been reapplying sunscreen in between trips to and from school, the park and Costco. (Can’t beat the value of that soft serve)

   

   When I ask Hudson how he feels about the school year ending, he seems excited to stay home but I don’t think he realizes he won’t have that routine for awhile. For me, it’s dawning on me that our work schedules are about to get that much more challenging and activities will need to be arranged.

2. I picked up a new book!

   ‘Kindred’ by Octavia E. Butler, which I was surprised to learn was published in 1979! A science fiction novel blending time travel and historical fiction. I’m only a few chapters in and I’m already hooked. I can see why Octavia has such a loyal following and I’m already looking forward to picking up another title.

3. On repeat.

No surprise if you’ve been around for awhile but I love Disclosure. Everything they put out is gold and this latest track has been setting the vibe on our sunny morning drive-outs. Would def enjoy chair dancing to this after a spicy marg.

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What have you been up to? Any exciting summer plans?

This week’s was a bit longer than usual, so if you made it down here, thank you.

I’d love your feedback, happy to chat about any and everything down in the comments, or on Notes. Even just a little tap on that heart below makes my heart sing!

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kisses