I Drove Into Incoming Traffic

Sorry I'm late, we moved!, and coming down is never fun

Stella in my arms, as tired as my brain has felt

Are you okay? How like me to first check in on you before I elaborate on that headline? Okay, yes I did head out in the opposite direction on a 3-lane one-way street and almost get into what could have easily been a very serious accident. Yes, I did manage to swerve into an adjoining turning lane and make it to the other side unscathed, and yes several cars were honking at me for my stupidity and yes, I immediately felt a rush of fear-encased adrenaline before arriving at work and continuing with the day as normal, ignoring the fact that I could have died, leaving my children motherless, my husband a widower and my group of friends forever mourning, reflecting on what a great laugh I had, what a loss. I seriously did not unpack that happening until a few days later.

I mean for real, I’d genuinely like to know how you’re doing though, and perhaps you could use this opportunity to check in with yourself. Hand on heart, deep breath in. Am I okay? if the answer is not, what could you use right now? Naturally, the unanimous answer is probably a million dollars or so LOL, but if that isn’t easily available, which by the way if it IS - are you a paid subscriber? I mean, hello, please support Ilysm.

Back to the above. Maybe it’s a hug. Or some reassurance. Maybe it’s prayer. A little conversation with God, the universe, the abyss of noise and silence in front of you. Let’s cry, shall we? Just sob. Wail. Scream. Reflect on your bad decisions and the choices you made, including those you put off to the side as not important ‘right now’, or how about those shoulda woulda’s? It hurts. It’s humbling. I’ve had a rough few weeks feeling like I’m not doing enough, actually scratch that, KNOWING I’m not doing enough because clearly a lot needs to be done whether that’s working more, moving more, being present more, sleeping more, making more of every moment, day, week, year. It has felt as if I’m constantly treading water, trying to keep my head above the surface line, but still managing to choke and gag on the inevitable splash that manages to slip by.

Moving is already stressful enough for anyone, but this move was especially taxing as it happened a lot quicker than I anticipated during a busy week with no booked time off, substantial childcare or extra resources. I was riddled with anxiety after getting rejected by more than a few places that simply did not want to rent to a small family, but rather ‘SUITABLE FOR 2 WORKING PROFESSIONALS’, ‘TWO ADULTS MAX ONLY’, or of course the ass-biting ‘NO PETS ALLOWED’ (we have a doodle). Many of these came from the neighbourhoods we wanted to stay in or around, and with more square footage than our previous place! I realized quickly that it’s no wonder families can’t stay in the city. Not only is it incredibly expensive, it’s unobtainable! I bit my lip to stop from crying between seeing basement apartments and 1 bedroom + dens with a realtor who would later tell me that I wasn’t the ideal candidate for this apartment (aka, I didn’t make enough money, or should maybe look for something a bit further out).

ANYWAY. We have made it to the other side, which means I am more in control of my emotions, I can sweep the experienced stress into a cavity somewhere (or so I had convinced myself) in my brain and am happy to report that we now have ensuite laundry, a privilege I have never in my life been able to enjoy, and a view of the Lake! After more than 17 hours awake, Corain and I found ourselves falling asleep on our mattress slap dab in the middle of the floor of our new place amongst boxes and garbage bags full of clothes. I had work in the morning and was feeling relieved that we had gotten the hardest part of moving over with.

The next morning, I completed as much of my normal morning routine as I could given my new surroundings. Rifling through my makeup bag, throwing my hair into a clip, already thinking about a coffee. I found myself feeling waves of disassociation. Staring at the floor for moments at a time. I was still in disbelief at what we had completed in such a short amount of time. I felt proud, but still strangely overwhelmed. Feeling like I just wanted to break into tears. As if I still had another box to pack at our walk-up apartment. As if I was going to go see another place that afternoon. As if I was forgetting something significant. As if I’d made a huge mistake. Can we afford this? Are the kids okay? My anxiety had been at an all-time high that now my nervous system was desperately trying to regulate. Overtired, overstimulated and overdrafted. LOL.

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I proceeded to get into my car and pull out of the parking garage, onto a street I had driven down many times before. I was meant to turn right, but I turned left. WRONG. Within seconds, I was being honked at by the 3 cars coming STRAIGHT AT ME.

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OH SHIT. Swerve, turn, SKRRRRRR, swerve again. THANKFULLY, there weren’t very many cars, which probably, maybe?, contributed to me thinking I could even turn left in the first place, I don’t know. What I do know, in hindsight of course where everything is 20/20, is that I wasn’t in a good mental space at the time and my body had not caught up with my brain. I wasn’t in a position to stop anywhere for quite some time as much as I wanted to. Breathing quickly, I couldn’t help but immediately thank God for having his hand on the wheel literally. I started to cry and called my husband, telling him what had happened. What’s crazy, is as I told him I laughed! “Like isn’t that so insane?!” I laugh traumatic experiences off as it’s a coping mechanism I’ve taught myself to use.

In the days since, I’ve been coming down slowly. Only last night, did I get some decent rest. I do apologize for my absence, I missed you too and I’m looking forward to sharing again. See you on the next one ;)