Out Of Office, Out Of Energy

The Week Before Christmas Has Been Mostly MEH, Fantasy Smut & I'm Still Coughing

Sourdough bread, 2 slices, toasted. Butter on one side, thickly sliced tomatoes, sprinkled with sea salt & pepper. Mayonaise on the other side. Squish. Cut. Enjoy salty, tomatoey, buttery crusty goodness.

The sandwich was good, but I don’t feel great. It ended up being the only thing I ate for the day. Once again, it seems like I have found myself on the receiving end of some sort of cold or sickness that made me feel like my head was bashed into a brick wall this morning. Welcome to motherhood!

Perhaps I never fully recovered from the last cold I had less than a month ago. I can see it now. The virus went into hiding, taking refuge amongst muscle and fat. It had been weakened by previous bouts of antibiotics and exercise but it too, took up strength training and dedicated time and energy to growing bigger and better for it’s eventual return to havoc my immune system. I wake up with a scratch in my throat and convince myself it’s because of the heat in the apartment. Half an hour later, I’m sneezing. Then it’s uncomfortable to swallow my coffee. Dammit….

Shoving my knuckle into the red button of my daughter’s car seat buckle, I lifted her into my sore arms and proceeded down the sidewalk to the cafe on the corner. Stella’s having a moody morning and so am I, but I smile as to distract the barista from how pallid I appear. “Should we make it a triple today?”, my barista asks, also a mom, and of a newly turned one-year-old.

“Sure, why not”, I reply as I readjust Stella on my hip.

“Or 4 shots?”…

“Well! I’m here. Let’s do it. I think I need it”. ( I do not )

An hour later, I’m wired and tired at the same time. Back home, I plug the Christmas tree lights on, the Tylenol has kicked in along with the additional caffeine and I’m poorly positioned on the couch as Stella watches a holiday themed episode of Sesame Street on my phone beside me.

I haven’t had a good poop in a few days and I feel bloated. Period’s coming in a few days, merry merry! I’m confident that the quad shot latte will work it’s magic, but it may take some time. Maybe I’ll watch the latest episode of ‘The Challenge’, maybe I’ll veg out and put on a cheesy Hallmark joint, I dunno, I don’t want to make choices right now.

At some point I need to get wrapping paper for the kids gifts, I feel an immense guilt that we can’t afford to get everyone we love a gift. I know that the material things aren’t important, it’s about connection and family and those who love us and BLAH BLAH BLAH - I know!, but also….in an ideal world, all my girls would get a wad of cash in a new bag. I’m just sayin.

Fifty-leven years later and I’m almost done reading ‘Shadow In The Ember’. It has satisfied my need for fantasy fiction, allowing me to disconnect from reality a bit, even if just for awhile, immersing myself into a world where Gods and mortals co-exist and creatures rise up from the ground. There is definitely steam going on here, but the ending specifically seems to be full of smut, including a scene where the God fucks the main chick while also drinking her blood at the same time? Jesus. I didn’t know how to feel about that one. My mouth was open and I kept looking around for the imaginary cameras because, are y’all readin this? This is DIRRRTTTYY (in Redman voice ofc).

There aren’t enough ornaments on our tree. Is it terrible that I don’t even feel like Christmas is here? I’ve been a bit disconnected from the majority of this holiday season and it makes me feel guilty because my kids love Christmas and I want them to feel that…magic. God, I struggle a lot with feeling like I’m doing enough. In all aspects, but especially when it comes to being a mom.

Holidays add an additional pressure to deliver experiences that they’ll remember and hold in their hearts forever so they won’t be triggered by this season in adulthood. I can just imagine them ranting to their therapist about how all Mum did was work and they can’t recall any fond memories of Christmas cheer or holiday spirit. What an awful place I drive my mind to, I need to make a U-turn back to the present. I’m a damn good mom and I love my kids to Neptune and back.

My birthday came and went. Unfortunately, my plan to see ‘Wicked’ in theatres by myself on Tuesday didn’t pan out as my husband got off work late and I was tired and grumpy. My plans of having a dinner party at home were then also foiled because my mom (and only available form of help with watching the kids), got sick. It was sort of like a domino effect that left me feeling pretty bummed and disappointed.

“It’s okay…”, I told myself. “There’s always next year. It’s December, there’s a lot going on, it’s not a big deal..”

And it’s true, it’s not a big deal..but also it is a big deal? If you know, you know what I mean. The cute top I ordered didn’t arrive in time, I cancelled my cake order because the dinner party wasn’t happening, my lips have been dry and chapped as hell. I was bummed. I went offline, journalled about it, prayed about it and then put my sorry ass together and went for drinks with a few friends at my favourite wine bar. The first drink of alcohol in over 3 months, and I gotta say, the wine was good. Great, even.

But you know what? I didn’t miss it. I didn’t overdo it by any means, but I did feel sluggish the next day and it confirmed instantly that I really don’t care to drink as much as I used to. Give me a good night’s rest the night before, a great workout in the morning, a good meal and maybe an edible, and I’m going to have a damn good time. I’ll never turn down a flute of champagne when celebration calls ( and need I remind you, Prosecco and sparkling wine are NOT champagne ), or a glass of a good full bodied red here and there, but I don’t have the need to seek it out. I love that for me.

Anyhoo. A few days before the ol’ CHRISTMURS DAY, how are you feeling? Where are you at? Are you filled with the spirit? Lots of prezzies under the tree or just a casual few days off with hot chocolate, eggnog and baked goodies? Maybe none of the above, maybe you celebrate Festivus. Maybe you’re Krampus. I’m OPEN to hearing about it all. The lavish as well as the mundane.

And if you feel like, hmm, I like this girl. How could I, during this holiday season, ever thank her for her wit, humor and words of wisdom? You could share this post, subscribe, buy me a coffee, upgrade to a paid subscription even? I’ve dropped my annual subscription down to $50 for the year, think of the value!! Ok, I’m cringing now selling myself, but that’s just a wild thought for ya.

Thank you for your time. Thanks for being you. I love you lots and remember that you are currently in the era of whatever you need it to be! You get to decide!

Now, time to add on to a whopping 967 million views - I just can’t get over the body in that hair! WHAM!

kisses