Sometimes The Same Keeps You Sane
Bleached Brows, (Still) Manifesting, And My Inner Dialogue
Hi friend, I’ve missed you.
Finally hitting publish on this has allowed me to exhale in the best way ever. I haven’t been putting anything out. I’ve felt unmotivated, detached, and BLEM FOR REAL, but it’s okay. I’m here.
Amongst the plethora of little mundane things happening as of late, not much new has been taking place. The same commute to drop off the kids, the same commute to work, the odd vanilla latte instead of a regular latte order, along with the same order of checking things off my to-do list once I log on.
What does change what I get to work, however, are the types of referrals for patients we get to see. This keeps things interesting, though at times, also devastating. Yesterday, an infected toe; today, a young person with both cancer and now an infection from their recent surgery in an attempt to remove the previously mentioned cancer. The Nurse Practitioner I work closely with is amazing. She’s curious and kind and shares some of my humour (thank GOD). A mom of two teenage girls who takes the time to understand her patients and advocates for them to get the best care. Nurses are the GOATS, for real. I detach from the work for the most part. I’m there but I’m not. I am always waiting for what’s next while doing my best to stay present. Is it really possible to do this? Tell me your thoughts.
Tamia’s ‘Officially Missing You’ plays in my head, and I hum it to myself as I forward bloodwork requisitions and appointment dates out. I applied to (another) full-time position within the hospital a few days ago, and haven’t heard back. A few days after my application was received, I had a 9-minute (to the second) screening call to discuss my interest in the role and some of my qualifications. There was no room in between questions for small talk, personality insertion or anything. This worried me because I couldn’t get a read, but I answered quite well, IMO. As soon as I finished one answer, she started up with the next. I was sweating. The little nagging voice inside my head tells me I may have come off a little desperate. And I mean, I dunno, I kinda am? I’m trying to get out of survival mode over here.
The next day, I walk across the street saying positive affirmations to myself, and a sliver of hope runs through me. It feels like more than hope. It’s as if the sun is shining and I have a vial of Felix Felices in my pocket. It’s as if I have nowhere to be, and possibilities are endless. It’s as if I can choose to dilly-dally, go shopping, or book a trip or buy myself a treat and pay for the person standing behind me’s order as well. It’s as if I need not worry about bills, rent, schedules and updating cover letters. It’s as if I have my shit together and then some. It’s as if I’ve started a new anxiety medication and that shit is kicking in. It’s as if God finally came around and showed me that my faith was not in vain. I feel safe and secure, and confident.
I try to hold on to these warm, inspiring feelings for as long as I can before my mind and body return to neutral. It’s a mystery to me why I can’t feel like this all the time, a mental tug-of-war I put myself through unconsciously. I think of the wellness girlies and manifestation mantras that constantly push out that you have to act as if you have it before you can own it or some shit like that. I take it all with several handfuls of salt right before sitting my ass back down in reality. And I love my reality, I just want more. It’s all nuanced, right? We can feel several things at once.
“Good things can happen for you. Why can’t they happen for you?? Like why not? If it’s for you, it will be given to you. Trust. It’s all going to work out. And if it’s not this, that’s okay, it’ll be something else. Yeah. This is temporary, it’s all going to be ok. Better than ok.”
In an effort to feel like I was in control of something, I bleached my eyebrows. Hmm, yeah. I’d been thinking about it for some time after seeing gorgeous girl after gorgeous girl on my FYP with white brows. It’s fuckin man repeller AF and I love that. I hesitated at first because I had my brows microbladed a little over 3 years ago, so I knew I’d have this faded kinda grey brown underneath, and that might mess with the look..
Welp, that didn’t stop me. I picked up a box bleach kit at the drug store and went at it. 10 minutes on, wipe, 10 minutes of my purple shampoo, wipe. When I initially saw them, I was like, Wow, this would look so good if I could just make that faded microblading disappear. Corain immediately said I looked like this (see video below) - which only made me love them more, haha.
I nod quietly as I listen to my colleague venting. I listen attentively while being mindful of my body language. I fidget more now than I ever have before. A pen in my hand, tapping my nails on the desk, or the need to check my phone for any notifications, which is insanely rude to do, and I don’t do it, but I am thinking about it. I twiddle with the sleeve of my sweater and allow a beat of silence to pass before offering up words wrapped up in a silver lining. I could offer some advice, but the situation at hand seems like it’s one where she’ll only learn the lesson after crashing and burning.
It feels exhausting to…feel..some days. To feel so much and be so self-aware. I have a running commentary going on in my head at all times. Like the collector’s edition of DVD’s for your favourite sitcom, I’m narrating my own life, along with the lives of everyone passing me by. It’s mostly hilarious, but there is a lot of babbling because I’d be explaining explanations, reading people to filth, and giving back stories to stories which I would promise, will only add to the richness of the story overall. (It will). I can still remember how shocked I was to find out that not everyone narrates their life 24/7, or has a dialogue going on in their head at all times. I even have different voices for my emotions! It’s like Inside Out in there for real!
This current season of my life, however long a life season is supposed to last, I don’t know but it does feel at times, as if I’ve shrunk into a version of myself I don’t recognize. And honestly, it’s okay. It’s heavy on the motherhood right now and through that, I’m evolving into yet another new version of me that I’m excited to meet. Who is she? I’m really happy, but there’s also a longing. When I stray away from writing too long, or any sort of creative, personal to me, activity, I feel jilted. It’s as if I’m actively rejecting myself and I don’t like that. So I give myself some grace, but always, return return return to me.
‘4-Page-Letter’ plays in my headphones as I walk up the block to my son’s school. It’s windy, but the sun is peeking through. Still no email from HR, and it’s Friday afternoon. Ah, well, time to detach from that. I spent the last hour at work looking up the pool schedule for a rec centre we had passed by the weekend previous. I want to take the kids swimming on Sunday, and I could use the feeling of weightlessness as well. Can I put my brain in the chlorine too? I pull my airpods out and throw them in my pocket as I buzz into the school.
The smell of a kindergarten classroom is unmatched. Crayons, construction paper, glue sticks, linoleum floors and unfiltered joy. In my tried and true Eeyore voice, I come around from the cubbies and say, “Huuudson?” His eyes meet mine with a laugh and the biggest smile, and he runs and jumps into my arms. Life is good.
With that, thank you for coming by. I appreciate you so much. I hold this space on Substack near and dear to my heart, and I’m so happy to be here.
How is the start of spring treating you where you are? I’m looking forward to no longer needing any kind of jacket, rebleaching my brows, t-shirts with loose denim, SPF applications and long walks to the same old (and new) playgrounds.
Can’t do a monthly subscription right now?, I get it. Maybe an iced oat latte? Your support means so much!!
See you on the next one
kisses