Trying With My Whole Ass
Starting The Artist’s Way, Confronting How Much I Self-Sabotage Myself, & Money Talk
Welp. It’s been over 2 weeks since I dropped both of my kids off in New Jersey to spend time with their grandparents. It took me a little over a week to regulate and deal with the emotions surrounding separation anxiety and the guilt of feeling a bit relieved to have some time to ourselves. Happy to report though, that over the last 48 hours, I started enjoying myself! Please note, that they’ll be home next week! LOL.
On the two days I’ve had completely to myself, aka no husband around either *evil smile*, I slept an additional 4 hours after I initially woke up. After quickly remembering there were no children in the house, I went back down, and heavily. If I didn’t have work that afternoon, I might have snoozed the whole afternoon away. It felt like I had stored fatigue hidden away in pockets of my body, just waiting for a little nap, completely uninterrupted.
I started to feel a bit disorganized and lazy, which bothered me. I suppose the expectations I placed on myself to do all kinds of things while I have the time to do so haven’t helped. I don’t know where to start. What are the things? Get drunk? Go party? LOL. I don’t give a damn about doing that. I took some time to look inward. How am I really feeling now that I have some time to just…be?
On one of those days, I basked in my presence, worked out, everything showered, had coffee and took time doing my hair. I put Seinfeld on and laughed as I heard the ever-so-predictable Kramer bust in the door. On another day, the soft hum of the fan spinning in the living room filled the space around me and my mind quickly went to a place of worry and frustration, mostly about money.
Maybe it’s because I was wishing I could have invited a friend out for lunch or perhaps the images on my TikTok scroll had crept into my psyche and made me feel like I wanted some specific lipgloss/bag/piece of clothing. Whatever it would have been, I didn’t have the option anyway, or at least it wouldn’t have been smart to do so as our funds were already allocated. This made me eye roll HARD. Rent, bills, groceries, gas, rent, bills, groceries, gas. I’m sick of it. I’ve been sick of it and I’m annoyed. All of a sudden, I felt a slight rage building inside me.
Which brings us here.
I’m sick and tired of feeling anxious, worried and stressed about money. I’m sick and tired of not liking my job but sticking with it because it’s a safe ‘good job’. I’m sick and tired of not being able to do things with my family when we want to do them. Constantly measuring, calculating, scheduling, and arranging funds, it’s exhausting. And I know this is a temporary season of life. We live in one of the most expensive cities, have very little help and so much changed after having kids, a pandemic and going back to working just part-time. I have faith but I’m frustrated.
I don’t love writing about this topic and hesitated so much because you know, it’s fuckin money, but I felt called to write about it and it’s my world so that’s that. I know I can’t be alone in feeling this way and so if this resonates with even one person, I’ll be glad.
I’m a big fan of delusion and I like nice things. It is a burden to have expensive taste when you don’t have it because your desires feel unobtainable. One of many self-sabotaging thoughts is just that. That I can’t have it. That I won’t have it. I bounce back and forth between feeling spendy and fuck it, just do it kind of vibes, to also feeling pretty depressed about not being able to do much else after all of our bills have been paid.
“Well, at least they’re paid!”, I tell myself. I’m grateful for that. But it’s a bit off-putting in hindsight to think back on the months when we just made it by. Money aside, I want to feel something, I want to keep learning, I want to keep doing. I know there are people out there I’ve yet to meet that will add value to my life. The world is so vast and full of possibility, it doesn’t stop here.
Why does asking for more feel selfish? What are the invisible limits I’ve set for myself? What are the subconscious beliefs I have around money and adulting and how do I prevent them from impacting my life now going forward? Fulfillment, community, and creativity? Money is great, but I want to be rich in more ways than one.
BIG EXHASPERATED SIGH.
Well. I’m ready.
I’m ready for change. I’m ready to take the small steps toward the big leaps.
I’m sick and tired of feeling uncomfortable in my body. Sick of running thoughts and no action. Sick and tired of having to compromise my relationship with myself. I want to cheer my people on and have them cheer me on too.
Sick and tired of telling myself I can’t do something because of this, that and the third. I love myself but I’m pissed at myself. I’m too this, I’m too that, it’s already been done. POPPYCOCK! It’s actually BS.
At the same time, I’m proud of myself. I’m a damn good mom and my whole life has been and will continue to be all about those babies. I chose that, they chose me and I LOVEEE being their mama. I can’t wait to get on that plane and see my kids again, but I’ve also gotten a reminder of who the hell I am as well as a glimpse of who I want to be, and that is exciting.
I’ve been taking a cold hard look in the mirror and analyzing all of the ways in which I have been self-sabotaging myself. A book I’d been meaning to read is The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest. So what did I do? I made a day of it and picked it up at my local bookstore. Another one was The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. I went ahead and picked that one up too. I’m excited to share my progress (and breakdowns) in the coming weeks.
I’m ready to try friends, try with my whole ass.
I invite you to join me.
Talk to you soon
kisses
It is amazing what you can achieve when you let go of limiting beliefs. There still will be obstacles to overcome and setbacks, but just believing you can and doing it despite the thought of it being hard already gets you halfway there! I believe in you! Go!
Oh my gosh 2 weeks with no children!!!! I think I’d be frozen for a few days feeling confused about what to do. I hope this next week you’re able to lean into what you want next and to feel rejuvenated in your strength. Have you come across Mel Robbin’s ? I love her podcast and she’s got a few really great ones that can help turn your momentum and mind in a new direction, which is what it sounds like you’re pushing toward. In one of her episodes she says “if we can spiral downward, we can spiral upward too.” That is my mission over the next year, to spiral upward and see how that feels for a change 🌀
Also I love the line “ I was called to write about it and it’s my life so that’s that. ❤️ great title too!
My dad always says, “money doesn’t buy happiness, but it sure helps.”