My Intuition Is Telling Me You’re A Bitch
What Happened To Hello?, Reading Is Fundamental & That Good Feel
I pick up several faxes from the machine and sit back at my desk. The bottom ones are still warm and I take a moment to notice how nice it feels against my palm. An email comes in that I quickly glance at before flipping through the pages to cull the unnecessary cover letters. My shift has just begun, but I feel like I’ve already experienced a whole day.
The charge nurse I’m working with today is at my right, and is on the phone while typing away on the computer. I mentally take note of the names she mentions as she tends to forget her train of thought once she wraps up a call. She talks to herself while looking at the schedule, wondering, “Who’s going in this spot again?”…I chirp in and rejog her memory. I like working with her and she doesn’t mind that I talk to myself while I work too.
Our office is small but functional. Two computers, two chairs and a long desk. A large whiteboard on the wall in front of us, and behind, rows of charts, piles of forms and various supplies. A few rolling drawers that have probably been here since the 80s line the side of the wall. On top of them sit tubs of cavi wipes, diffusing the air lightly with a sterile scent. Chipped paint and linoleum floors. The most modern thing here is the standing desk function attached to the monitors.
I see in my peripheral vision that two figures walk by the open door, pause but then continue walking. Moments later, they return just as I pick up an incoming call.
“Hi, this is Kathleen..”
A patient is on the other end requesting to change their treatment time next week so that they can go away for the weekend. As I’m on the phone, one of the two who had entered the office speaks, to no one in particular, “Are there any masks in here??”, or something like that. I look in her direction briefly as she glances around. I immediately notice that she isn’t blind. She can see that we are both on the phone. I continue my conversation with the patient.
*BTW, when I tell you that there are boxes and boxes, and stations upon stations of masks all over the hospital, in the hallways, and the treatment rooms, I’m not exaggerating.
I then notice that the other person accompanying her is one of our unit’s Doctors. Distracted. Unbothered. They are steadily typing away on their phone, clearly waiting for the charge nurse to finish up so they can provide a report. Cool. Perhaps this accompanying woman is also a Doctor, a resident, a student, I don’t know, it makes no difference to me. I finish up the conversation with the patient and hang up the phone.
My eyes, straight on my screen to input the request, and the accompanying woman says out loud again,
“Masks??? Are there masks in here?”
I slowly turn around to meet her eyes.
*fake smile* “Hi….Can I help you?”
“Oh, sorry, yes, hi. I need a new mask. I usually grab one from this cart by the office when I pass by but there aren’t any there..”
“Yes, the nurse whose cart that belongs to probably used them up. There are more boxes in the room next door, or in the hall”.
“Oh okay, thanks”.
I turn back to my work and she heads out. Report has already been completed between the Doctor and nurse and they too, have exited the office.
I don’t have the patience for it today, I suppose. On another day, I may have entertained her, ignored that she hadn’t said excuse me, or even properly identified herself before asking for something. On another day, I could have reached into my drawer and given her one of the 2 masks I keep should I need to put one on. On another day, perhaps, but not today.
Sometimes you need to teach people how to treat you.
I consider myself to be a good reader of people. I haven’t experienced all I’m sure life has to offer me, but I do consider it a gift to have this sort of...foresight. Since I was a kid, I can remember just feeling things about certain people, whether that was having an inkling that someone may or may not be trustworthy, mean-spirited, kind, misunderstood, vindictive. Most of the time, I would end up being right.
That might read as judgy or presumptuous, that’s really not it, though I’ll never deny that I judge, because I do judge, I’m human! And I watch Drag Race!
It’s really an extension of intuition. A feeling.
I have good feel.
I delete a few emails and start fiddling with the chain on one of my bracelets. A twisty gold one my husband got for me a few years ago that I love. Earlier this morning at the park, after my first coffee of the day, I was going down the swirly slide with Stella for the 6th time in a row. I hadn’t noticed at the time, but the tiny little nub on my bracelet’s closure had dug into my skin as she sat pressed against my chest. Looking down on my wrist now, I could see a tiny pink indentation.
After taking a few more calls, I overhear one of the nurses talking with a Dr. in the hall. Usual small talk. How are you’s, the weather and whatnot. Over the years working in medical administration, I’ve noticed that many of the nurse’s voices go up in inflection when speaking with Doctors. They suddenly have an interest in the Doctor’s summer plans and finding out what restaurant they visited on the weekend.
There’s this invisible want to be noticed or to show, I don’t even know, is it praise?, or admiration? Not just nurses, but patients too. People. Hell, my mom does it all the time. I remember countless times I had suggested something helpful to my mother for it to be thrown by the wayside because, well, what did I know? But as soon as her Doctor recommended the same thing? (including Dr.Phil - LMAO), OHH, all of a sudden she hit a goldmine of information - straight from the EXPERT!!
“Oh REALLY Dr?! That sounds AMAZING Dr! Oh, you are looking so good Dr!”
It makes me sick. I hate kiss ass. I hate phony shit. I hate special treatment for people just because they have some sort of title shit.
The nurses are here 6 days a week, 12 hours a day taking care of the patients, while the Doctor comes in twice a week for rounds, and completes appointments via Zoom or over the phone. The Doctor in particular in the hall has known this nurse for years but still needed to be reminded of their name.
“Oh yes, you have a daughter, right? And how old is she now?”
“13 now, Dr.”
“Ahh, 13…and is she as tall as you?”
“Just about, she’s 6’2”
“Oh wow, must be headed for the WNBA!”
…Huh? Because she’s tall, she’s destined to be in the WNBA? GTFOH. I don’t know why those sorts of comments annoy me so much but they do.
I promise I’m not a hater, but also I can be, lol. I’m cool, I’m cool. I’m just a touch jaded. I’ve been exposed to enough here to deepen my distrust of the medical system, and we’re very fortunate here in Canada to have free healthcare so I’m grateful and all that blah blah blah. Just always advocate for yourself and ask for a second opinion if you feel something is off. There are a lot of good people, but like everywhere, there are also entitled assholes.
One of the Doctors I used to work for at an aesthetics clinic was one of them. A narcissist with a huge ego. Very arrogant. I had the feel about him within the first days of meeting, but I kept giving it the benefit of the doubt. It wasn’t long before it became obvious that he knew nothing about managing people. According to him, his shit didn’t stink, but we could all smell it.
He micromanaged, oversold, and was completely unappreciative of his staff. He couldn’t handle receiving criticism and like most narcissists, he put on the charm to fool those around him. Unless you had that good feel, you’d be none the wiser. A flashy smile, some bad jokes and the title of Doctor must mean he knew everything, right? Pfft. Just like my mom would have, people ate it up. I would cringe when he would talk to clients about what he thought they needed. It was all about profit to him.
On my last day, I walked back to my car and laughed my ass off in disbelief that I had actually been let go by a clown with hair implants, but I was proud of myself for speaking up and learning yet another lesson on how I refuse to be treated. My good feel had been right yet again.
I will question everyone else’s motives before I question her. (Of course, my intuition/ good feel being her). What’s interesting is that I went through life for years just thinking everyone had this, this SAME feel, and to be fair, I do think everyone has some version of it, their own version!, but like fingerprints, our life experiences shape us uniquely and that inner voice may project a bit differently. (or not at all..)
Anyway. Enough babble. Do you have the good feel? Of course, you do.
What do you refer to it as? Intuition, that little voice inside, an inner compass, a gut feeling? When do you find it comes up the most for you? Let me know in the comments.
Whew, this was a long one huh? Did you even make it down here? If you did, wow, thank you. I appreciate you so fuckin much!
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kisses
Right there with you. F*ck the whole notion of "respecting those in uniform" or "authority figures". What? Hell nah. I'll respect people who respect people. And I won't respect those who don't. #MoveAsideGaslighting #NotToday
I can see straight through people, but I am also incredibly bad at acting. I can fake it with some people, but others....wow....having to act all nice and stuff when you just know how that person really thinks, hate it!